Posted on 12/25/2019 at 08:00 AM by Sadye Scott-Hainchek

Merry Christmas!

Yesterday we shared literary Christmas quotes on the more traditional themes of togetherness.

Today, for those of you who prefer a different tone, we’ve rounded up borderline sad quotes, silly quotes, and straight-up sarcastic and snarky quotes, again from writers and their works.

(Borderline) sad quotes 

“At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell, but as years passed, it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe.” ― Chris Van Allsburg (from The Polar Express)

“It struck him that how you spent Christmas was a message to the world about where you were in life.” — Nick Hornby (from About A Boy)

“It was the beginning of the greatest Christmas ever. Little food. No presents. But there was a snowman in their basement.” — Markus Zusak (from The Book Thief)

“There is something about Christmas that requires a rug rat. Little kids make Christmas fun. I wonder if could rent one for the holidays. When I was tiny we would by a real tree and stay up late drinking hot chocolate and finding just the right place for the special decorations. It seems like my parents gave up the magic when I figured out the Santa lie. Maybe I shouldn't have told them I knew where the presents really came from. It broke their hearts.” — Laurie Halse Anderson (from Speak)

Silly quotes

“Do give books — religious or otherwise — for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” — Lenore Hershey

“Hey, great idea: if you have kids, give your partner reading vouchers next Christmas. Each voucher entitles the bearer to two hours' reading time *while the kids are awake*. It might look like a cheapskate present, but parents will appreciate that it costs more in real terms than a Lamborghini.” ― Nick Hornby (from The Polysyllabic Spree)

“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.” ― Eloisa James (from Paris in Love)

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or 'Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’” ― Dave Barry

“‘One can never have enough socks,’ said Dumbledore. ‘Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.’” — J.K. Rowling (from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.” ― Andy Rooney

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” ― George Carlin

“We saw Uncle Jack every Christmas, and every Christmas he yelled across the street for Miss Maudie to come marry him. Miss Maudie would yell back, ‘Call a little louder, Jack Finch, and they'll hear you the post office, I haven't heard you yet!’ Jem and I thought this a strange way to ask for a lady's hand in marriage, but then again Uncle Jack was rather strange.” — Harper Lee (from To Kill A Mockingbird)

Sarcastic and snarky quotes

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor (from Leaving Home)

“Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home.” ― G.K. Chesterton (from Brave New Family)

“Christmas it seems to me is a necessary festival; we require a season when we can regret all the flaws in our human relationships: it is the feast of failure, sad but consoling.” ― Graham Greene (from Travels with My Aunt)

“If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.” ― Ernest Hemingway (from 88 Poems)

“Miracles happen on Christmas, Pat. Everybody knows that shit.” — Matthew Quick (from The Silver Linings Playbook)

“Most kids grow up leaving something out for Santa at Christmas time when he comes down the chimney. I used to make presents for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” — Jeanette Winterson (from Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?) 

“‘Santa Claus has nothing to do with it,’ the latke said. ‘Christmas and Hanukah are completely different things.’ ‘But different things can often blend together,’ said the pine tree. ‘Let me tell you a funny story about pagan rituals.’” ― Lemony Snicket (from The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story)

“Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.” ―Augusten Burroughs (from You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas)

And one final thought

“Where art thou, Mother Christmas?

I only wish I knew

Why Father should get all the praise

And no-one mentions you.”

— Roald Dahl

Tagged As: Just for fun, Quotes

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